“Who are you living to please?” If someone had asked me this four years ago, I would’ve said “God,”… naturally. After all, what Christian walks around purposely trying to please someone other than Him? The problem is, if I had really examined the intricacies of my life at that time–the routines, habits, attitudes, inner thoughts and motives– it would have revealed something to the contrary.
Although I wasn’t purposely living to please other people, I also wasn’t purposely making every effort to please only God in all areas of my life. Sure, my life had been marked by good fruit and effective ministry for the Lord. I had already surrendered a lot of things to Him (spoiler alert: we’re actually never done surrendering–there’s always more) and was actively pursuing Him. By no means was I perfect, but I had spent basically my whole life serving Him.
A little background
I grew up in a Christian home and attended church regularly. At the age of five I knew I wanted Jesus to come into my heart and made a profession of childlike faith. That moment began the process of following Him and learning over time what it means to really surrender to His lordship–a process we will never be done with until we meet Him face to face (Philippians 1:6).
Even at a young age, I prayed and spent time with the Lord. I studied the Bible. I learned to love God’s Word. I endured some tough seasons (more on those down the road) and grew closer to Him in the process. I led worship for the first time when I was in middle school and have seen Him bless my efforts in worship ministry over the years and confirm that calling on my life. I married a Godly man and we are seeking to raise our kids to know and love the Lord.
Why do I tell you all of that? Because despite all of those things I mentioned, I wasn’t walking in complete freedom. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was bound… by fear (among other things). Not necessarily the crippling, terror-inducing kind, but the kind that can subtly exist and go undetected for the greater part of thirty years.
It didn’t render me completely ineffective for God’s Kingdom (which is probably why it went undetected so long), but it sure did put some severe limitations on just how effective I could be. Only looking back now can I see just how much it prevented me from completely stepping into the fullness of God’s call on my life: in marriage, in motherhood, and in ministry.
Naming the problem
This particular fear has a name: the fear of man. And no, I didn’t come up with that terminology on my own. The Bible says this about it:
“The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe,” (Proverbs 29:25).
I had fallen into that snare. Not all at once, but over a lifetime of experiences and encounters. The need to please people was ever-present.
What did that look like on a practical level? For me, at times it looked like: being overly concerned about offending people to the point where I would rather stay silent than cause offense, pretending to not have an opinion about anything (even about something as innocent as ice cream flavors), and striving for perfectionism in my schoolwork —which came to a head in college when I had consistent chest pain from endless anxiety and striving.
I also struggled to think for myself a lot of the time. Even basic decisions were hard sometimes because I had to pass every decision not just through the filter of me and the Holy Spirit, but through the filter of me, the Holy Spirit and someone else. Often times that someone else was my mom…
Recognizing codependency
First off, let me just say that my mom is AMAZING and as of this moment, we have probably the best relationship we’ve ever had (she agrees). She’s my best friend. She also knows I’m writing this, so what I’m about to say isn’t an exposure piece. But one of the things God has revealed within the past four years to both of us is that we had developed a really unhealthy, codependent relationship. It started in the years of her raising me but continued on into my adult years.
The oversimplified explanation of what that means is: my mom was seeking love and acceptance from her kids and finding her worth and value in who we saw her as; not in who God already said she was. And for me it looked like catering to her emotional needs and seeking to uphold our relationship. I learned to be careful not to say or do things that might “disrupt the peace” of that relationship. BUT GOD.
Thankfully, in the Fall of 2023 He began revealing to me the unhealthy reality of my relationship with my mom. He used Freedom in Christ, an incredible discipleship course, to began peeling back the layers of my life. And the beautiful thing was, He began doing the same thing in my mom around the exact same time. She recognized how wounds and trauma from her past had corrupted her ability to have right relationship with her kids and she began to seek deliverance and healing.
He’s required us to face a lot of hard truths about ourselves and each other and He’s purged us of a lot individually. But through it all, He’s walked with us and held our relationship together. HE did that. And now we get to testify about it, which is what I’m doing now!
Stay tuned: a podcast episode featuring my mom is in the works and we’re both excited to share more of this part of our testimony.
How it played out in real life
This need to please trickled over into many other areas of my life.
In marriage, it looked like not being able to fully submit to my husband because I still felt the need to submit to the opinions and approval of my parents and others. It also meant that my emotional well-being rested heavily on my analysis of how I was being treated by my husband. One unkind word from him could send me spiraling and I made sure he realized it was his duty to keep me happy. (He’s a wonderful husband by the way–and he’s been very patient with me through the eight years of our marriage).
In motherhood, it looked like not being able to think for myself about what was best for my kids and holding back my wishes in order to “keep the peace” with family members and friends.
In worship ministry, it looked like overly stressing about song choice, making decisions based on what would gain the approval of the congregation and church leaders, and measuring my success based on the affirmation of people.
In my late teen and young adult years especially, I experienced a lot of social anxiety, always wanting people to like me and never being sure of whether they actually did.
One hallmark example of people pleasing that might seem silly is the amount of time it would take me to write simple texts and emails to people. I would pore over the exact wording for several minutes–sometimes an hour or more, depending on the nature of the message. I had to make sure I communicated things perfectly to avoid even the potential of someone misunderstanding my intentions. This is something I thought was normal until my husband pointed out the absurdity of it (thankfully, he did that kindly–for the most part. haha).
There’s a lot of nuance within each of those examples I mentioned and I’m just offering basic details, but suffice it to say: I wasn’t free to be and do all that God had called me to.
Hitting a wall
I wasn’t living only to please the Lord. I was trying to please man also.
And guess what? That doesn’t work.
“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10).
I felt stuck spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. And I was. But I didn’t fully know why.
For me, it was a season of “hitting a wall” in many areas of my life that began the process of freedom from the fear of man and lots of other strongholds that had taken root in my life.
Asking for help
I wish I could say that what immediately followed was a supernatural encounter with the Lord that fixed everything instantly (I did have some of those later on), but that’s not how He chose to begin this process of freedom.
Instead, he very clearly prompted me to seek out an older sister in Christ to mentor me. This required humility and vulnerability. But God already had the perfect sister in mind for the job and to this day, she remains a dear friend and role model of mine.
In a divinely appointed season of my life, this dear sister of mine walked me through Freedom in Christ, the book I mentioned earlier. And the Lord began showing me the root of my feeling stuck.
Finding the root
The root wasn’t actually a people-pleasing issue, it was an identity issue.
Because my identity had been built on finding acceptance, significance, and security in other people (especially those in my immediate family)–and not God–my life had to revolve (to varying degrees) around pleasing them.
Craving acceptance, significance and security wasn’t the problem; the problem was I had been trying to find those things somewhere other than God.
The fear of man had become greater than my fear of the Lord.
The remedy
I needed a fresh baptism of the fear of the Lord (deep awe and reverence for his holiness, majesty and being) to combat the fear of man.
“I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears,” (Psalm 34:4).
Yes, I met with a mentor and gleaned some life-changing Truth, but I also needed to meet with THE mentor: The Holy Spirit. I needed to encounter Him in a tangible way.
So I started asking, seeking, and knocking. Over days, weeks and months I pressed in.
I sought Him diligently through reading the Word, prayer, and times of quietly sitting in His presence.
A new revelation
The Truth of God’s Word ignited by the presence and power of the Holy Spirit brought about freedom in two main ways during that season of seeking: a greater reverence and awe of the Lord and something I didn’t know I needed…
…A new revelation of His great love for me.
As someone who had been following the Lord my whole life, I thought I knew His love for me, but I actually hadn’t fully received it and allowed it to permeate my whole being.
This was more than just head knowledge.
My heart was awakened by the awareness of My Father’s love toward me, His daughter. It was personal.
And that perfect love began to cast out every bit of fear.
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love,”(1 John 4:18)
“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” (1 John 3:1)
Knowing that kind of love is what has freed me from the snare of having to please people. I am accepted, significant, and secure in Him.
What freedom looks like
More than anything, the Lord has given me a new sense of boldness, courage, and confidence in my calling–in marriage, motherhood and ministry–and side note: I’m pleased to report that I no longer spend hours writing texts and emails (praise God!).
My husband and I are more unified than ever, our family life with three kids has been more joy-filled, peaceful and fruitful than ever (no we haven’t arrived at perfection), God has awakened new gifts and callings within my husband and I and He continues to open up doors for us in ministry of various kinds. God is very, very good.
Has it been an easy ride to get here? No. Has it been worth the cost? Absolutely!
By no means have I arrived, but “I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus,” (Philippians 3:14).
Here is what is true for those of us who have put our faith in the finished work of Jesus Christ:
“…He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved,” (Ephesians 1:5-6).
It’s true. It’s always been true. And it always will be true. This is who we are.
Will we choose to believe it and live every day like it’s true for us?
If we do, it will change everything!
#StayLit!
-OKO
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